A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week".  The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want".  Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The man said, "Look I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool".

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, 'Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.' The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. 'Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy', again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, 'Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.' Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, 'Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your boob is hanging in the ashtray.

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.  She got out of her bed and checked around the house.  She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"

"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

                   Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.  Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.     Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!     I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says  "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.  The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping,"  to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while.  I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile ofsand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom.  You said the Chinese guy was incharge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he  didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself  a shovel.  You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sandlooking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and  yells "SUPPLIES!"

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around.  Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe:  "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!" Spidey:  "No can do, supe.  I've got a problem with my web-schooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it. So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe:  Hey, batman!  Lets go get a burger and a beer! Batman:  Not today my friend.  My Batmobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it. Disgruntled,  Superman takes to the air,  cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment.  And what to his Supervision does he see, but none other that Wonderwoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked!  Supe gets a brilliant idea:  They have always said Im faster than a speeding bullet and Ive always wondered what she'd be like with all her wonder powers.  So he zzoooooommmmmmmmms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice.  All of a sudden Wonderwoman sits up and says what was that!??!  Then the invisible man gets off her and replies, " I dont know but it hurt like hell!"

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks the Earthling. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says the woman. 'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to do anything for me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow....' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims as they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, the Earth male asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' she says, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?' 'It was OK,' he replies, 'but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

An ambitious consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Carribean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ..at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.  The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."  "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with  you."  "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove
the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."   "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"  "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.  "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the womantied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"  "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more
coconut juice."  "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"  Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."  No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"  When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.  "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?  You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "- I can check my e-mail from here?"

Joe Knows

Joe is a seemingly regular guy.  One day he said to his local bartender, "Yeah, I know everybody there is to know!" The Bartender replied, "What are you talking about, Joe? There is no way that you can know everybody."   Joe answered, "Oh, you're wrong...I really DO know everybody!" The Bartender decided to call his bluff, "OK, I'll bet you $1000 that you don't know Michael Jackson." "Yup, sure do," said Joe. 

So Joe and the Bartender fly off to New York to a Michael Jackson concert.  They sit down right up front, the concert begins, and Michael runs out on stage.  Joe immediately stands up and waves to him.  Michael looks over, stops the band, and says over the microphone, "Ladies and Gentleman, I just noticed a special friend of mine is here in the audience...I'd like you all to meet my good friend, Joe." Joe stood up, and the audience cheered!  Later, back at the bar...   "Well OK Joe, But you can't know EVERYONE!" said the bartender.
"I'll  bet you $2000 that you don't know Bill Clinton."  "Sure I do," said Joe, "We went golfing together last summer." So Joe and the Bartender fly off to Washington.  They walk into the White House, where the President was giving a press conference.  The President noticed Joe enter the room and   Joeacknowledged him with a wave.  "Ladies and Gentleman," began Mr.   Clinton, "A good friend of mine has just arrived, I'd like you all to meet him... please welcome Joe." The photographers and journalists all hurried over to interview Joe, take pictures, etc.  Later, back at the bar...  The Bartender said, "Joe, I still don't believe that you know EVERYBODY.
I'll bet you $4000 that you don't know the Pope." So Joe and the Bartender fly off to Italy.  They enter the courtyard of the Vatican where there are multitudes of people waiting for the Pope to address them.  They wait, and wait, and the Pope does not show up.  Joe wonders aloud, "How much longer is he going to be?  He's over an hour  late."  The Bartender, who was somewhat irritated by now, said, "Well, if you're such a good friend, why don't you just go inside and tell the Pope that he's late?"  "Yeah, that's a great idea," said Joe, and off he went.
A couple of minutes later the Pope steps out onto the balcony with Joe. Joe looked down at the crowd and saw the bartender passed out on the ground. He ran back downstairs to see what the problem was.  "What happened?  Are you ok?  " asked Joe.  The Bartender started to come around, "Ya, ya, I'm all right Ok, so you win." "Huh?" said Joe, "What happened?"  "Well," the Bartender said, "Just as you stepped out onto the balcony with
the Pope, the woman next to me said...  'Hey, who the hell is that guy up there with Joe?

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
of his advisors for a test.  He showed them both a shiny metal box
with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever.  "What do you
think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he
said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for
it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would
write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its
  position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal
black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a
  16-element table of initial timer values.  Then it would turn on the
  heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected
from the table.  At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the
heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a
working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the
danger of such short-sighted thinking.  He said, "Toasters don't just
turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker.  As the
subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand
more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can
also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs.  A toaster
that only makes toast will soon be obsolete.  If we don't look to the
future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few
years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
the problem.  First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize
this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry.  The
specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into
toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage,
>  links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs,
hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet
classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because
it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
without multiple inheritance.  At run time, the program must create
the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
yourself.'  The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of
breakfast food.  In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with
multiple inheritance.  Of course, users don't want the eggs to get
cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required,
too."

"We must not forget the user interface.  The lever that lowers the
food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing.  Users
won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical
  interface.  When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see
a cowboy boot on the screen.  Users click on it, and the message
'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out
by the time the product gets to the market.)  Users can pull down a
menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in
the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware
platform for the implementation phase.  An Intel 80386 with 8MB of
memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient.  If
you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports
multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will
be a snap.  (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had
foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a
four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all
lived happily ever after.

Send Me An Email

Voice Your Opinions      Read What Others Had To Say